The Vatican Ice Cream Van

If you want a Magnum Mini at the ice cream van outside the Vatican Primary School, you have to ask for a Parvum.

Masterlibrarian

Following the success of its long-running cooking programme Masterchef, the BBC are to launch Masterlibrarian to find the country's best amateur librarian. There are also plans for a professional version- Masterslibrarian- and a celebrity edition: Keynote Librarian.

Details are sketchy, but it is thought the aspiring librarians will have to undergo:

• a metadata standards invention test
• a passion test, involving many years of study, essay writing, and work experience 
• baking and eating cake
• providing high quality professional library and information services for the cast of Casualty

Rumours that the idea had been shelved have been denied by the BBC.

AV referendum to use AV

The UK referendum on the adoption of the Alternative Vote (AV) system for British general elections is itself to be conducted using the AV system. Voters will rank the available options in order of preference. If no option has 50% support, the second preferences of those who voted for the least popular option will be taken into account. This process is repeated until an option has 50%. The voting paper will look something like the following:

Do you support the adoption of the Alternative Vote system for British general elections. Rank the following options:
(_) YES
(_) NO

Nick Clegg said last night, "I am very much opposed to the First Past The Post system." Nick Clegg was elected into Parliament on the First Past The Post system.

New iPad

Apple are to release a new version of the iPad for 2011. In response to consumer feedback, it will have an integral stand attached by a hinge so that it no longer has to be held up by hand like a book. The stand could be placed flat on a table or on top of a lap like a "board" and will also feature a array of robust "keys" for entering text. Steve Jobs said in a statement that the new stand would make the device easier to hold and easier to type on; it would also protect the screen and "keyboard" and would provide protection as it could be closed flat.

Meanwhile, Apple are to take a fresh look at the control system for their popular iPod mp3 player. Steve Jobs said they are keen "to reinvent the wheel".

Rail compensation to be paid in vouchers

Compensation for people affected by the building of the High Speed 2 railway line from London to Birmingham are to be paid in railway vouchers rather than cash. Moreover, the total compensation will be issued in one voucher for which change will not be given. For instance, someone compensated £100,000 because they cannot sell their home could use the voucher to enjoy a £66.20 cheap day return from London to Manchester but would have to forego the £99,933.80 change. This is in line with existing railway compensation policy.

Masterchef Facts

Masterchef HQ is actually John and Gregg's house.

Gregg's now famous line "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this!" was originally uttered by Gregg in response to a joint of beef that John had cooked for lunch that day.

Gregg receives no payment for his role in Masterchef. He is, however, allowed to finish off all the puddings at the end of each episode.

Gregg does all the washing up after each episode. John lets him know if he's missed anything.

John and Gregg are meticulous in being fair: each of them gets a vote to decide the fate of each contestant. If there is a tie, however, John gets the casting vote.

Gregg's the bakers is owned by Gregg Wallace.

New trains to use electronic livery

The new trains being planned as part of the Intercity Express Programme to replace existing Intercity 125 (HST, Class 43) and 225 (Class 91) fleets on the British rail network will be fitted with an electronic skin instead of conventional paint or transfers. The system, similar to the electronic paper used on Amazon's Kindle or electronic billboards, is being implemented in order to make large financial savings on the East Coast Main Line route. It will remove the necessity for the train operating companies (TOCs) to partially re-paint the fleet each time an operator goes bust and is replaced. Instead, the train driver will be able to start the train in the morning, check the day's roster to see what company he or she is working for that morning, and change the logo and livery accordingly. It can even be changed mid-journey: a new system of signals is being piloted at York station to update drivers if the franchise has been transferred since they left London or Edinburgh.

Cycling safety

Unlike those of children, the adult cranium is largely immune to the kinds of accident suffered by cyclists. This is why it is a common sight for parents to make their children wear cycle helmets while they do not do so.

Research has also shown that children do not really mind their parents being killed, so any danger that does exist is not really an issue.

My my

At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender.

Pus

Pus is squared.

Octopi

Octopi=25.12

The origins of pole dancing

Pole dancing originated in Poland.

The Behemoth

The behe moth was in fact the biggest moth that has ever existed. It had a wingspan of 2 feet and was white in colour making it resemble a small gull. The name comes from the exclamation of disbelief: "Be he moth?", i.e. "Is that really a moth?" because of its large size and resemblance to a bird.

It died out in the early 20th century after being hunted for meat by poachers during the Great Depression. It was served poached, as opposed to the even larger and also extinct Behebutterfly which was fried in butter (the term butterfly is a corruption of butterfry).

The British Library and St Pancras Station

The architect of the new British Library on Euston Road intentionally made it look rubbish in order to enhance the aesthetic appeal of the neighbouring St Pancras Station. This strategy paid off with the recent efforts to restore and re-use the magnficent station and hotel. It is now planned to knock down and replace the British Library building.

Punic Wars

As a way of practising rhetoric, ancient Roman scholars engaged in competitions involving word play. Like the Olympic Games before them, these grew in significance until they became international in character. Some controversial judging decisions at the 264 B.C. games held in Sicily led to a disastrous and bloody conflict between Carthage and Rome which lasted, on and off, for 118 years. These became known as the Punic Wars.

Apple launches iPod touch

Apple have unveiled the new revamped iPod touch with touch screen. For security reasons, they have announced the following measures:

• The iPod touch can only be used by three fingers on the user's right hand. The left hand is not currently supported.
  
• Apple are to introduce Fingerprint Rights Management (FRM). Upon registration, the iPod touch will scan the user's fingerprints. Any changes to fingerprints, including extra wrinkling following a long bath, cutting fingernails, or a cut on the end of the user's finger will mean that the iPod touch will cease to work. This will ensure unauthorised users, such as friends or family members, cannot access the device.
  

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment as he was busy counting his money. However, a spokesperson said that "these measures are entirely reasonable and are necessary to protect the music that Apple publishes and encourage the creativity of its musicians". He went onto say that the iPod touch will look "very pretty".

Apple to publish books

Computer firm and music distributor Apple are planning to branch out into print publishing. Their new book publishing arm, iPage, will publish works related to design, music, and computing. However, Apple are concerned about the possibilities of their books being copied, lent, and pirated. They have therefore announced the following security measures:

• The book can only be read in three rooms of the reader's house. For instance, a reader may read an iPage book in their bedroom, in the living room, and even take it into the toilet, but will not be allowed to lend it to their son who has a separate bedroom. Flats and apartments are not yet supported.
• Apple are to introduce Analogue Rights Management (ARM). The books will be printed using offset red and blue ink in a similar manner to 3D images in order to ensure that unauthorised readers cannot access the books. Special iGlasses will be needed to read the content.

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment as he was busy counting his money. However, a spokesperson said that "these measures are entirely reasonable and are necessary to protect the material that Apple publishes and encourage the creativity of its authors". He went onto say that the books' covers will look "very pretty".

Why Jesus was so good

Mary and Joseph, Jesus's parents*, used the naughty step technique popularised by Supernanny Jo Frost. One of the basic tenets of this procedure is that the naughty child sits on the naughty step for the same number of minute as their age in years: for instance, a three year old toddler stays on the step for three minutes. Because Jesus is part of the Trinity and therefore as old as God himself, of whom he is in fact an aspect and whose age is beyond time, any naughty action on the young Christ's behalf would have resulted in him being on the naughty step for an infinite number of minutes.

Even suggesting a finite age of the earth** of 4.54 billion years as put forward by modern science would be enough to put off a childhood deity from even the more harmless japes and pranks, resulting as it would in over 8561 years on the naughty step. The fundamentalist Christian movement is more generous still, but even their (rough) figure of 6000 years would mean that Jesus would have had to spend 2 days, 18 hours, and 40 minutes on the naughty step***. With both Mary and Joseph no longer around to enforce the Christ's adherence to his punishment or to obtain the necessary apology and reaffirmation of affection and love by means of a kiss and a cuddle, there are several points of theological difficulty with with the non-fundamentalist timescales*$. However, the point still stands that such a punishment would be sufficient to put off most mortals and immortals from engaging in nefarious activity.

* Mother and step-father, at least
** Assuming time to have begun at the point of the earth's creation and ignoring any gap between the creation of the wider universe and the creation of the earth.
*** Assuming the age of the earth to be 4000 years at the time of the infringement. If the age of the earth c6000 years now, it was c4000 when Jesus was born. It is unlikely Jesus would have been put on the naughty step before the age of two when he would have been of an age to understand his actions.$ This of course raises the issue of whether the young Prince of Peace might have been naughty at an earlier age and got off the hook, all of which depends on one's system of ethics for very young children and whether they are capable of wrong or accountable for their actions.
*$ Obviously, through prayer, miracles, the intercession of saints in earthly matters, not to mention the divinity erring messiah, there are some ways in which the blessed parents and child might have dealt with this.
$ Although he is God, so presumably he would have understood his own morality and the world in general from the outset.

Whisky ages

The ages on Scotch whisky bottles do not refer to the age of the whisky but rather the minimum legal age of the person drinking it. Therefore, one could drink Bells at three years old (subject to the fact that minors may not drink alcohol until they are five), Talisker and Macallan at 10, and Lagavulin at 16. As with Bells, all these ages further depend on the context and laws which apply where the whisky is to be drunk.

Interestingly, the youngest component of Bells is actually 15 years, whereas Macallan is only 4 years old. Talisker is in fact aged for 50 years old, as is evident from its deep taste and smell.

Power saving on the tube

For some years, Transport for London have been running the London Underground at reduced power during the hours from twelve noon until two o'clock in the afternoon in an effort to save money and energy. This explains why it always takes far longer to pop down to Oxford Street during one's lunchtime than it would to make the equivalent journey at any other time.