Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The Vatican Ice Cream Van

If you want a Magnum Mini at the ice cream van outside the Vatican Primary School, you have to ask for a Parvum.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012


Following the success of its long-running cooking programme Masterchef, the BBC are to launch Masterlibrarian to find the country's best amateur librarian. There are also plans for a professional version- Masterslibrarian- and a celebrity edition: Keynote Librarian.

Details are sketchy, but it is thought the aspiring librarians will have to undergo:
  • a metadata standards invention test
  • a passion test, involving many years of study, essay writing, and work experience 
  • baking and eating cake
  • providing high quality professional library and information services for the cast of Casualty
Rumours that the idea had been shelved have been denied by the BBC.

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

AV referendum to use AV

The UK referendum on the adoption of the Alternative Vote (AV) system for British general elections is itself to be conducted using the AV system. Voters will rank the available options in order of preference. If no option has 50% support, the second preferences of those who voted for the least popular option will be taken into account. This process is repeated until an option has 50%. The voting paper will look something like the following:
Do you support the adoption of the Alternative Vote system for British general elections. Rank the following options:
(_) YES
(_) NO
Nick Clegg said last night, "I am very much opposed to the First Past The Post system." Nick Clegg was elected into Parliament on the First Past The Post system.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

New iPad

Apple are to release a new version of the iPad for 2011. In response to consumer feedback, it will have an integral stand attached by a hinge so that it no longer has to be held up by hand like a book. The stand could be placed flat on a table or on top of a lap like a "board" and will also feature a array of robust "keys" for entering text. Steve Jobs said in a statement that the new stand would make the device easier to hold and easier to type on; it would also protect the screen and "keyboard" and would provide protection as it could be closed flat.

Meanwhile, Apple are to take a fresh look at the control system for their popular iPod mp3 player. Steve Jobs said they are keen "to reinvent the wheel".

Friday, 20 August 2010

Rail compensation to be paid in vouchers

Compensation for people affected by the building of the High Speed 2 railway line from London to Birmingham are to be paid in railway vouchers rather than cash. Moreover, the total compensation will be issued in one voucher for which change will not be given. For instance, someone compensated £100,000 because they cannot sell their home could use the voucher to enjoy a £66.20 cheap day return from London to Manchester but would have to forego the £99,933.80 change. This is in line with existing railway compensation policy.

Friday, 2 April 2010

Masterchef Facts

Masterchef HQ is actually John and Gregg's house.

Gregg's now famous line "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this!" was originally uttered by Gregg in response to a joint of beef that John had cooked for lunch that day.

Gregg receives no payment for his role in Masterchef. He is, however, allowed to finish off all the puddings at the end of each episode.

Gregg does all the washing up after each episode. John lets him know if he's missed anything.

John and Gregg are meticulous in being fair: each of them gets a vote to decide the fate of each contestant. If there is a tie, however, John gets the casting vote.

Gregg's the bakers is owned by Gregg Wallace.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

New trains to use electronic livery

The new trains being planned as part of the Intercity Express Programme to replace existing Intercity 125 (HST, Class 43) and 225 (Class 91) fleets on the British rail network will be fitted with an electronic skin instead of conventional paint or transfers. The system, similar to the electronic paper used on Amazon's Kindle or electronic billboards, is being implemented in order to make large financial savings on the East Coast Main Line route. It will remove the necessity for the train operating companies (TOCs) to partially re-paint the fleet each time an operator goes bust and is replaced. Instead, the train driver will be able to start the train in the morning, check the day's roster to see what company he or she is working for that morning, and change the logo and livery accordingly. It can even be changed mid-journey: a new system of signals is being piloted at York station to update drivers if the franchise has been transferred since they left London or Edinburgh.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Cycling safety

Unlike those of children, the adult cranium is largely immune to the kinds of accident suffered by cyclists. This is why it is a common sight for parents to make their children wear cycle helmets while they do not do so.

Research has also shown that children do not really mind their parents being killed, so any danger that does exist is not really an issue.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

My my

At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender.


Pus is squared.