Why Jesus was so good

Mary and Joseph, Jesus's parents*, used the naughty step technique popularised by Supernanny Jo Frost. One of the basic tenets of this procedure is that the naughty child sits on the naughty step for the same number of minute as their age in years: for instance, a three year old toddler stays on the step for three minutes. Because Jesus is part of the Trinity and therefore as old as God himself, of whom he is in fact an aspect and whose age is beyond time, any naughty action on the young Christ's behalf would have resulted in him being on the naughty step for an infinite number of minutes.

Even suggesting a finite age of the earth** of 4.54 billion years as put forward by modern science would be enough to put off a childhood deity from even the more harmless japes and pranks, resulting as it would in over 8561 years on the naughty step. The fundamentalist Christian movement is more generous still, but even their (rough) figure of 6000 years would mean that Jesus would have had to spend 2 days, 18 hours, and 40 minutes on the naughty step***. With both Mary and Joseph no longer around to enforce the Christ's adherence to his punishment or to obtain the necessary apology and reaffirmation of affection and love by means of a kiss and a cuddle, there are several points of theological difficulty with with the non-fundamentalist timescales*$. However, the point still stands that such a punishment would be sufficient to put off most mortals and immortals from engaging in nefarious activity.

* Mother and step-father, at least
** Assuming time to have begun at the point of the earth's creation and ignoring any gap between the creation of the wider universe and the creation of the earth.
*** Assuming the age of the earth to be 4000 years at the time of the infringement. If the age of the earth c6000 years now, it was c4000 when Jesus was born. It is unlikely Jesus would have been put on the naughty step before the age of two when he would have been of an age to understand his actions.$ This of course raises the issue of whether the young Prince of Peace might have been naughty at an earlier age and got off the hook, all of which depends on one's system of ethics for very young children and whether they are capable of wrong or accountable for their actions.
*$ Obviously, through prayer, miracles, the intercession of saints in earthly matters, not to mention the divinity erring messiah, there are some ways in which the blessed parents and child might have dealt with this.
$ Although he is God, so presumably he would have understood his own morality and the world in general from the outset.

Whisky ages

The ages on Scotch whisky bottles do not refer to the age of the whisky but rather the minimum legal age of the person drinking it. Therefore, one could drink Bells at three years old (subject to the fact that minors may not drink alcohol until they are five), Talisker and Macallan at 10, and Lagavulin at 16. As with Bells, all these ages further depend on the context and laws which apply where the whisky is to be drunk.

Interestingly, the youngest component of Bells is actually 15 years, whereas Macallan is only 4 years old. Talisker is in fact aged for 50 years old, as is evident from its deep taste and smell.

Power saving on the tube

For some years, Transport for London have been running the London Underground at reduced power during the hours from twelve noon until two o'clock in the afternoon in an effort to save money and energy. This explains why it always takes far longer to pop down to Oxford Street during one's lunchtime than it would to make the equivalent journey at any other time.

Civilization 1000000

Sid Meier will shortly be releasing a new version of the popular computer strategy game Civilization. Particular attention has been paid to the technology tree to better reflect the true achievements of civilization. Instead of Cure for Cancer and Universal Suffrage, players will now aim towards the following:

• Digital TV recorders


• Eggs benedict


• Scotch whisky


• Cup holders on pushchairs


• P.G. Wodehouse novels


• Stilton

Food and drink feature heavily in Civilization One Million. The pinnacle of civilization will be the invention of the dish washer.

Roaches

Technically, the term cockroach only refers to the male roach. A female is called a henroach. Furthermore, the first syllable should be pronounced co as in the name of the otherwise potentially painful sounding port, Cockburns, and the ch should be pronounced as in the Scottish word loch. So, co-roakhhh.

Lemonade

According to EU legislation, lemonade must not contain lemons or lemon flavouring; it is defined merely as sweetened carbonated water. A fizzy drink tasting of lemon can be marketed as traditional lemonade. Fizzy drinks made with actual lemons are banned by the Maastricht Treaty. This is why lemons are placed in drinks in pubs and restaurants after they have technically been sold.